Caffeinated Pleasure Fluid: The Last Great Addiction

"Coffee".  Two ingredients, a lifetime of possibilities. H20 and roasted, ground Coffea Arabica.  You can drink it while driving, chew it in a pinch, you can walk down the street with a cup of it.  Having a few in the morning will not raise the ire of your boss and family.  Coffee is social and personal, you can share it and customize your own cup.  I dare say its multi racial and multinational, you can have a black Italian roast, or take your Ethiopian blend light.  Hot, iced; sweet, bitter, straight blended or flavored it’s all coffee and it’s good. (not sure I approve of Frapping coffee, whatever that is)  Coffee cake, coffee ice cream, chocolate covered espresso beans.  R rated; Kahlua, Irish coffee, a coffee bean in the sambuka. G rated; mochachino with whipped cream for the kids (only use in extreme emergencies like back to school clothing shopping).

“Java”. 100 ounces a day, 22 ounces at a time (3 mugs in the morning, 2 in the afternoon, with the balance left in the mug at the end of the day.) Black. That’s my habit, and I’m sticking to it.  I am not ashamed, I’m committed.  If you see the mug in my hand, and its empty don’t talk to me cuzz I’m not listening. The new powdered instant coffee by Starbucks opens whole new levels of caffeinated consumption, I have sprinkled it on cereal, added it to icings, dumped it in bottled water while fishing……. I bet you could snort it. 

“Vitamin C”. Coffee is medicinal, it prevents those head in the vice headaches. It keeps me happy and by extension those around me happy.  It’s an all natural, diuretic. (look it up) It can regulate your pulse, improve low blood pressure, reduce your risk of diabetes,  fix your teeth if they are too white.  It will clean you out while perking you up. Coffee will keep you alive while driving, and during long conference calls. Black, it has almost no calories.  It’s more than a vitamin it’s a crucial non caloric dietary need.

“Joe”.  Coffee should be simple, but do not confuse simple with cheap, passé, or unimportant.  Perk, Press, Brew, Drip….somehow get the coffee and the water together.  Do it well, know your passion.  Buy good coffee, use good water and practice.  Brown water is not coffee, go ahead add more grounds.  Please repeat after me, “cold coffee is ok, microwaved coffee is a sin against humanity.” Like a well done fillet mignon, it possible to do, but why would you? 

“Decaf”  No it’s not the same thing!  Is grape juice the same a cabernet? Somehow Folgers convinced an entire generation of Americans that those little white things made up for the bad taste and lack of buzz buzz from good fresh brewed caffeinated coffee.  Furthermore, although they are called baristas….it is not a coffee bar. Bars have big guys named Norm, drinks don’t come in sizes, and milk is not a primary ingredient.  Coffee houses have Ventii’s, servers with odd piercings, and a strange fascination with whipped cream.   I have a beard and love coffee, but somehow I don’t think I’m Bohemian enough to work at a coffee house. Damn you Seattle!  Its getting harder and harder to get a large coffee without being inundated with Indi rock, hipsters, or having someone ask me my name.  Would be great if coffee place became more like a good bar; take my money, pour the coffee and go away.

“Caffeinated Pleasure Fluid”  Famous people have a sex addiction (really who doesn’t, even people who haven’t had it want it all the time) For the rest of us, coffee.  Caffeine is the last great addiction.  We can’t light up anymore, the three martini lunch ended sadly sometime in the 80’s, Pills, Powders, and injectables are all controlled…caffeine is all we have.  So enjoy it, revel in it, sooner or later it will be bad for you, controlled, religions will ban it, congress will debate it, and the office coffee pot will go dry….Horror!