Q-Tips and the One Fingered Salute, or Screwed by a Q-tip

I hate Cadillac’s.  Crown Victoria’s, Subaru Outback’s, and anything Buick scares me, but I really hate Cadillac’s. 

The worst thing that American car makers ever did was somehow convince several generations of Americans that the car to have was a Cadillac.  The last car you buy when you retire should be a Cadillac right?  The “final” ride is in a Cadillac, which I believe is no coincidence.

 Just what you need when your 70, a V-8, smooth suspension, 4 doors, a giant trunk, and a red crushed velvet interior.  If you can’t afford the Cadillac, buy a Buick built like a tank.  Customize it. Add several baseball hats visible through the rear window, Grandsons shoes dangling from the rear view, a couple of tissue boxes. For yourself, a pair of dark plastic wrap around cocoon sunglasses.  Stylin. Make it last, don’t drive fast. 20 miles an hour under the speed limit should do.  Remember the faster you drive, the faster the odometer rolls.  Obey all traffic signals, and wait, wait, wait at the green. Be sure all traffic is clear, then slowly roll the nose round.  The big V-8 idles with enough power, just lift your foot off the break, a second before oncoming traffic T-Bones you, go. 

“These seats are too far back, it’s so hard to see over the seating wheel. Cars move so fast today.  Better pull slowly out into this intersection,” look left, look right….nose out.  Look right “there is a thing on the road”, look left, “so glad I knitted that tissue box cozy”….nose out some more.  “Ah it is a blue truck. Glad its closer now, so I can see it, these cataracts are annoying. If I wait he will see me, better nose out some more. I wish the  V-8’s didn’t take up so much hood space, Simonize wax is expensive.” “That nice man on my left stopped, I think he goes to my church.” (the left lane is blocked now by the front half of the Cadillac and the driver is leaning on the horn) “The blue truck is right there, he surely sees me now, so it’s safe to pull out. I’ll go slowly so I don’t scare him, he’s really close now, ok right peddle means go.  What is that squealing sound?  He must be honking in appreciation of how well I handled that intersection….I just don’t understand that 1 finger wave I’m always getting.  When I was a kid we used the whole hand. I hope I remembered the Sale papers.”

Driving home the other day I was rolling down the road, and there it is was, a White Cadillac, lurking at a cross  street, I felt as if I were  Ishmael on the Pequod.  100 yards away I knew it was pulling out, I knew the car was going in to peddle down the road in front of me, and I knew I was doing to wish my truck came with machine guns behind the headlights like James Bond.  Frustration is seeing the future, and not knowing what to do about it.  This was frustration.  20 years of driving experience didn’t tell me what to do in this situation, it told me that no matter what I did, I was screwed.

I chose to maintain my speed and heading “dam the torpedoes, full ahead!”  At least this way I could find my fate faster.  The Cadillac waited until the last moment, then pulled out.  White tuft of hair barely perched above the steering wheel, whispy in the cigarette smoke trapped in the car, the Q-tip cut me off!  Driving down the road at 20 MPH gave me ample opportunity to examine the contents of the Cadillac.  I know the driver visited Mystic Seaport, and the Intrepid museum, I know they prefer Puffs tissues, the simple fish outline bumper sticker lets me know they are Christians.  What I don’t know is how the driver is able to maintain a license. 

I get it that in today’s society you need a car. Due to good old American independence, folks can’t depend on their grown kids to drive them to CVS and back.  I also get that we value our personal freedoms.  Some of you may also think I’m a turd for being so critical of Cadillac drivers, its your right.  However it is also my right to expect a certain amount of responsibility from my fellow citizens.  Frankly I wonder why the Cadillac’s right to drive out weighs my right to drive safely or to arrive on time.  The only multi vehicle accident I have ever been involved with: rear ended while waiting at a stoplight, on a straight road, in broad daylight.  Guess what hit me? Yep it was Red too. The driver couldn’t see the insurance card I handed him, had to have the passenger read it. Awesome!

What sucks about all of this is that the offenders didn’t learn anything.  The Cadillac driver didn’t get smashed, Darwin failed me.  Failed in that the driver of the large car with poor vision (assumed) bad judgment (proven) and a penchant for Maritime museums (theory) continues to prowl the roads.  Furthermore this person will continue until someone gets hurt or if by chance someone intervenes and takes the license.  Personally I blame myself, as I failed to have the optional machine gun upgrade installed, instead opting for the CB with PA system. 

All of us have had our lives touched by someone like the Cadillac driver, usually we take care to protect ourselves and move on.  I think what we need to do is take some responsibility for the next guy, lets start teaching the dumbstruck masses a lesson.  I have to believe that if people were immediately negatively impacted by their stupid actions, they would wise up a bit.  If a spray bottle can keep a cat off the table, a whack upside the head will keep a teenager from sitting in the middle of the mall floor to tie a shoe. It might take several whacks…..but they will learn. If you have the power to stop something bad from happening, but choose to not do anything, doesn’t that make you at least partially responsible for the action?  Consider stopping the stupidity, an act to save future generations. (watch the movie Idiocracy, you will be frightened into believing this blog post)

Maybe machine guns are extreme, there are other solutions.  Is it possible that GEKO would offer a Good Samaritan discount?

“GEKO insurance” “Yes I would like to report an Good Samaritan Impact” “Please state the nature of your Impact” “A Cadillac recklessly pulled halfway into my lane from a cross street, stopped traffic, and then made a bad turn driving over the curb.” “I see sir, and your impact?” “I was in the through traffic lane and rammed the Cadillac” “Good job sir, that qualifies as an GSI, I will mark you down as having reported it.  Was anyone hurt?” “No, but I’m pretty sure I totaled the car.” “Sir, just to remind you, we only offer full GSI coverage if the car if totaled, however you will receive 85% good try discount and the “Totaling bad Drivers, Totally makes sense, T-Shirt”

Caffeinated Pleasure Fluid: The Last Great Addiction

"Coffee".  Two ingredients, a lifetime of possibilities. H20 and roasted, ground Coffea Arabica.  You can drink it while driving, chew it in a pinch, you can walk down the street with a cup of it.  Having a few in the morning will not raise the ire of your boss and family.  Coffee is social and personal, you can share it and customize your own cup.  I dare say its multi racial and multinational, you can have a black Italian roast, or take your Ethiopian blend light.  Hot, iced; sweet, bitter, straight blended or flavored it’s all coffee and it’s good. (not sure I approve of Frapping coffee, whatever that is)  Coffee cake, coffee ice cream, chocolate covered espresso beans.  R rated; Kahlua, Irish coffee, a coffee bean in the sambuka. G rated; mochachino with whipped cream for the kids (only use in extreme emergencies like back to school clothing shopping).

“Java”. 100 ounces a day, 22 ounces at a time (3 mugs in the morning, 2 in the afternoon, with the balance left in the mug at the end of the day.) Black. That’s my habit, and I’m sticking to it.  I am not ashamed, I’m committed.  If you see the mug in my hand, and its empty don’t talk to me cuzz I’m not listening. The new powdered instant coffee by Starbucks opens whole new levels of caffeinated consumption, I have sprinkled it on cereal, added it to icings, dumped it in bottled water while fishing……. I bet you could snort it. 

“Vitamin C”. Coffee is medicinal, it prevents those head in the vice headaches. It keeps me happy and by extension those around me happy.  It’s an all natural, diuretic. (look it up) It can regulate your pulse, improve low blood pressure, reduce your risk of diabetes,  fix your teeth if they are too white.  It will clean you out while perking you up. Coffee will keep you alive while driving, and during long conference calls. Black, it has almost no calories.  It’s more than a vitamin it’s a crucial non caloric dietary need.

“Joe”.  Coffee should be simple, but do not confuse simple with cheap, passé, or unimportant.  Perk, Press, Brew, Drip….somehow get the coffee and the water together.  Do it well, know your passion.  Buy good coffee, use good water and practice.  Brown water is not coffee, go ahead add more grounds.  Please repeat after me, “cold coffee is ok, microwaved coffee is a sin against humanity.” Like a well done fillet mignon, it possible to do, but why would you? 

“Decaf”  No it’s not the same thing!  Is grape juice the same a cabernet? Somehow Folgers convinced an entire generation of Americans that those little white things made up for the bad taste and lack of buzz buzz from good fresh brewed caffeinated coffee.  Furthermore, although they are called baristas….it is not a coffee bar. Bars have big guys named Norm, drinks don’t come in sizes, and milk is not a primary ingredient.  Coffee houses have Ventii’s, servers with odd piercings, and a strange fascination with whipped cream.   I have a beard and love coffee, but somehow I don’t think I’m Bohemian enough to work at a coffee house. Damn you Seattle!  Its getting harder and harder to get a large coffee without being inundated with Indi rock, hipsters, or having someone ask me my name.  Would be great if coffee place became more like a good bar; take my money, pour the coffee and go away.

“Caffeinated Pleasure Fluid”  Famous people have a sex addiction (really who doesn’t, even people who haven’t had it want it all the time) For the rest of us, coffee.  Caffeine is the last great addiction.  We can’t light up anymore, the three martini lunch ended sadly sometime in the 80’s, Pills, Powders, and injectables are all controlled…caffeine is all we have.  So enjoy it, revel in it, sooner or later it will be bad for you, controlled, religions will ban it, congress will debate it, and the office coffee pot will go dry….Horror!

A guy walks into a bar, and gets a.....Harvey Walbanger?

Years ago I had a summer employee who was brilliant.  She was literally studying rocket science, at MIT no less.  I was impressed with her obvious mental abilities, but also pitied her for what she lacked…..social empathy.

Let’s call her Sue. “Hi Sue how was your weekend?  What did ya do?”  “Well Jim, if you must know, I spent lots of time with some random friends, doing random things, trying not to be cool, it was cool but not in a normal way.” Really, that was a typical response from Sue, read it again. She doesn’t say anything, but it was said with an air of arrogance, and with an F-U written across her head. Keep in mind I was her boss, so small talk really is just that, how would you answer  in a similar situation? (Pretend you don’t know me….cuzz some of your would definitely give me the F-U.) Think Office Space for a moment….annoying boss says”Hi Peter, hows the weekend?”  You want to escape, just say fine…..and walk away……nope, Sue for all her rocket trajectory abilities, could not grasp it. 

We all know “Sues” and if you don’t….. I’m sorry, someone who knows you, does.  I wonder if Sue knew she was “Sueish”. Was it a self defense mechanism, was it ignorance, was it even genuine?

I thought today I would experiment with one of Sue’s favorite words “random.”  Have you ever tried to be random? Is it even possible to think about doing something random?  Philosophy majors out there, hear me…..I think, therefore I’m not random. Unless you are rolling the dice, flipping the coin at each choice, nothing you do is random.  You can’t do random things, especially if your goal is to try to be random.  That act of trying to be random is a conscious decision….and anything conscious can’t be random. Wow my brain hurts.

Random is walking into a new bar, then ask the bar tender to make for you, his favorite drink. (try this, it’s almost guaranteed you will get a Manhattan if it isn’t a dive bar, or maybe a Gibson) I know a guy who would throw his clean socks in a bin in the closet, reach in every day and grab two, the socks rarely matched, randomness achieved, but to what end I don’t know.

My theory is that Sue knew she was missing something, she was bright enough to know she didn’t fit in, and then chose to stop caring about it, and then chose to magnify those differences.  Yeah, good for her right? Not so fast.  You could hold the key to solving world hunger in your hand, but if you can’t communicate it, or worse people don’t want to listen, the cure may as well not exist

Since Sue was (and I’m assuming still is) brilliant can she change herself to fit in, or at least learn to be socially relevant? I don’t think so, Hollywood be damned, unless your Bill Gates, the geek doesn’t quickly make friends with the jock, and bag the blond, as if it were a Molly Ringwald movie.  Can you change yourself? Can you force yourself to like Patrulli stink? You can force yourself to wear it, but not like it.  Can you change into a type A personality? I really don’t think so.

 (Begin randomly placed paragraph) Some folks claim they have become a better person with prayer or something….a better person, how do you measure that? If your Hannibal Lechter, it’s easy to be a better person, “I didn’t eat anyone today, wow I’m a better person” what about those of us who are normal, does better count if you just remembered to put your shoes away? “Look honey, I put my sneakers on the shoe rack, I’m a better person today!”  Success, open the pearly gates saint Peter!  I’m comin in to play canasta with Hannibal! Maybe we all should fail at being human just so we can show improvement.  (End randomly placed paragraph)

See I think Sue got it, she knew where her strengths were and where they were not. 

Beyond the Estes rocket my son and I built watching sponge bob the other day, I’m not a rocket scientist.  So it is possible the MIT or General Electric rocketry lab is filled with other folks just like Sue.  If that lab exists, is Sue happy?  She would fit in, everyone would be random….or at least claim to be.  If random is the new cool, do people who want to be different become republicans?

Meanwhile, if you know a “Sue”, enjoy the uniqueness of her responses, and if you don’t…maybe you can help me understand the importance of being random.