Travel Travesty

Travel Travesty

Today, dear world, I found myself staring down the barrel of the hypocrisy gun.  Typically guns are best pointed away from one’s self so you can imagine my chagrin just now, as I see the business end clearly.  I trust you; my dedicated readers, to have some pity on me and consider the facts before issuing judgement.

I suffered, cramped in a rather small seat, on a fairly large airplane the other day.  It seems United has once again shortened its seat pitch and left normal sized folks like me in pain and smaller sized folk who sit near me, challenged to claim some room for themselves.  While grinding my teeth at the attendant who would not let me switch seats, I became a bit more sensitive the ridiculousness of the airline experience.

I think what got me fired up first was the Phrase “pre-Board” and before I go down that rabbit hole I would like to pause and give props to the departed George Carlin…..George said it all best. https://youtu.be/vdPy5Ikn7dw (Use headphones, George Swears a bit)

How exactly does one pre-board an airplane?  In airline parlance pre-board means that folks with certain abilities or certain disabilities can board the aircraft first.  There are lots of words in our language that have “pre” built right in, pre-board is not one of those words.  You can’t just stick “pre” in front of something and expect it to make sense.  Is life really just a pre-death experience?  Is water pre-ice, pre-beer, or pre-pre-piss?  To me pre-boarding is all of the stuff you have to do to get to the gate. Pre-boarding procedure includes yelling at the clueless to move up to the next ticket counter, removing your dignity at security, paying too much to replace the water that security will not let you bring through and lots of vodka. You can’t get on a plane, by pre-getting on a plane.

Usually I’m in no hurry to get onto the plane.  As long as the seat is assigned I’m good, and the folks who are disabled like the infirmed or those with kids, and those that are super abled like 1^st class passengers get on the plane first, good for them.  They get to sit there an extra 15 minutes. 

On this recent flight I boarded in group 4…..and by the time I got on the plane I found that most of first class and all of the exit isle seats were open, free, devoid of ass.  I was pleased to see this as I crammed my frame, next to some poor schlep who did nothing to deserve my encroachment, in the aforementioned pre-assigned midget seat.  As soon as I saw the plane doors shut, I asked to move.  Most airlines are glad to see me relocate like this.  It makes me more comfortable and those around me happier…..not United, I was informed that although the seats were empty, I could not relocate since it cost an extra fee and they were unable to charge me…..

I sat there and concerned myself with pre-boarding and pre-flight procedures and listened to the pre- crash safety lecture and learned I should use the restroom in my own cabin to dispose of my post-coffee.  It occurred to me that the coveted safety exit isles were still empty and I became concerned that a critical component of the aircraft's safety plan was missing. 

For those of you who don’t know, the emergency exit rows are reserved for people who can speak English and are ready and capable of opening the door in a post-panic (emergency) situation, at the direction of the flight attendant or captain.  With the rows empty, who will quickly perform this task?  We know it’s important because you must say “yes” each time the attendant gravely goes over those responsibilities with you. 

But here now, the rows sit empty.  No one to say yes, no one to follow the captain’s orders to save us in those critical pre-post-life moments.  In an emergency, seconds are critical and there was no one pre-positioned to pre-prepare for the post-crash actions and help extend the pre-death of the rest of the passengers. Moreover, I was rebuffed when I volunteered since I couldn’t pay at that moment; to shoulder the responsibility and pre-save the plane, I would have had to pre-pay.

While you wrap your head around all of that, consider the FAA makes airlines have these rows to facilitate emergency evacuations, tests are run on full aircraft on how quickly they can be emptied and these tests have a capable person sitting at the door ready to open it.  Airlines have been allowed to capitalize on that extra space by shrinking the other seats and charging more for the larger leg room. Since they allow anyone to buy it, you often see the 75-year-old man who is too frail to have to remove his shoes or jacket in security, sitting in the exit row, the gateway to life in a pre-airport landing (crash).  So now frail old guy who pre-paid extra for the seat says “yes” when asked if he can move a 50 pound door and make way for the rest of the terrified pre-death souls, he has already lived his pre-death and damn it, pre-paid for the seat…..while someone like me, who could certainly open the door, is willing to do so, and frankly could use the leg room, can’t because I didn’t pre-pay to pre-board and sit in the pre-airport landing pre-exit row.

Of course, by now you are wondering what the hypocrisy was all about.  Perhaps you are new to my Blog and have not had to wade through as much literary tripe as the rest of my followers.  For you, new and dear reader and for those less apt to pre-forget (remember) my other blog posts, I will draw it full circle.  

Anyone who has read my writing knows I take ample freedom with the language.  My grammar, spelling and phrasing are best described as Jimmish rather than English. I have drawn the stink eye from many of my English teachers through the years as I argued “If Poe, Melville or Hemingway can butcher a sentence structure, why can’t I?” To which they would counter, “But you’re not those guys, and you’re not a writer.”  Well for the record, I consider myself a pre-writer now and I take full advantage of the rights, privileges and honors thereof. Ha!

Still though, you must admit there is a vast difference between someone like me molding the language poorly and a huge multi-national corporation.  My invented words are silly, theirs are used for safety briefings for thousands of people a day.  If you read even some of the signs in an airport "Rainman" style, and go for the literal meaning, you will be walking in circle for hours. 

While I will not be flying United again, and I encourage you to refrain as well, I would also like you to think about how our countries willingness to allow corporations to drive away common sense is really hurting us all.  Not only are they making me cranky and those around be uncomfortable, but they have corrupted your safety by allowing less than able bodies in the exit row in the name of profit.  Really if your too old to be a NSA security threat, your too old to be an asset in a pre-airport landing.  The ax of capability swings both ways.  Moreover, just think of the damage these corporations are doing to our youth by broadcasting bad language and inventing meaningless words; travesty upon travesty.