Size Does Matter.....To You

Size does Matter…..To You.

I would like to dedicate this rant to the old lady at the voter registration booth who quaintly said, “Oh, my you’re tall.” When I handed her my voter card.  Which would have been ok but when I countered with a charming chuckle, “I’m not going to apologize, it’s not my fault.” She said “Yes it is, you take up too much room.”

Hello, my name is Jim; and yes, I am tall.

It may come as a surprise to you, but I know that I’m taller than most people.  I don’t need you to inform me about an obvious fact of my life. Amazingly, I have almost always been tall, this isn’t a new condition.  So please do repress the need to mention it.  “You’re tall” is not really something you need to say out loud. After all I have managed to afford you the same courtesy and I refrained from mentioning your nose, small hands, or large ass.

I wonder today what you really expect me to say when you confront me with “You’re tall.”

• Is it a compliment, do you expect a thank you?  “You’re Tall.” “Why thank you, it took a lot of hard work, I would really like to thank my mom for her choices that made all this body possible.”
• Is it a question, are you wondering if your eyes are deceiving you, as if last night’s mushrooms are still tripping you out? “You’re tall.” “Yes, I am. Its ok, this is really happening.”
• Are you seeking recognition yourself, do you expect me to then mention some bit of your physicality? “You’re Tall” “Thanks, and look at you! Great tits!”
• Do you want me to demure? “You’re tall” “Oh I’m not really that tall, 2% of the planet is bigger than me.”
• Are you accusing me, do I need to apologize for myself, for my genetics or for your ancestor’s poor mate choices? “You’re tall” “I’m sorry your great grandmother was into short dudes.”
• Do you want me to brag? To speak of grand feats of tallness, in a deep voice like Paul Bunyan? “You’re tall” “Once far away, I reached the top of the cabinets without a stool and then changed a light bulb, it was epic!.”
• Are you scared and in need of reassurance? “You’re Tall.” “Don’t worry, I have already eaten two people today, you are safe……for now.”
• Are you dimwitted and can find no other topic for small talk? “You’re tall.” “Your obviously not smart enough for me to waste my time talking to you, stop wasting my air.”
• Are you afraid that I don’t know your there and ask out of self preservation? “You’re tall.” “Hi, I do see you down there, believe me. I’m well aware you’re delaying my progress; speed bump.”

The reality is that being tall is one of the few purely physical traits people are comfortable mentioning directly and without context.  I find myself confronted with “You’re Tall” regularly by random people who find themselves in proximity to me. I can almost feel the statement coming. Sometimes there a “Wow” in front of it, or “Tall” is modified by “Really” Woman are more likely to say it with a smile, more or less out of the blue. Men wait to mention it, typically until some sort of other ice breaker or introduction has occurred.

Today while pouring my morning coffee from the communal office pot, a co-worker who I have worked with for several months was behind me. We have never really chatted before so I had a suspicion he would be nervous. Almost exactly on cue, “Coffee hu?” “Yeah” I began, knowing what was coming next. “I drink about 40 ounces a day.” “Wow, well I guess you need that much.” As he stepped closer to me to highlight the height difference with his free hand marking the invisible height line over his head.  “I guess it really doesn’t stunt your growth.” I felt like messing with this guy a little bit so instead of just nodding and smiling and rewarding him. I stepped closer to him, looked down and said, “What makes you think it didn’t.” 

So Dull!

While I’m at it and have a bit of your attention, I would like to dispel some of the mis-beliefs I feel plague the diminutive masses about those of us who cross the imagined tall barrier.

ALL TALL PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER:

No, I don’t know that guy from your high school seven states away. There is no secret society of height and if there were, you would obviously be below its standards.

ALL TALL PEOPLE DO NOT PLAY BASKETBALL:

Just like any other sport, no one demographic can be assumed to take part.  I have been accused of being a waste of natural talent by many folks who tried to teach me to play the game, believe it or not. Which of course begs the question : ”Do you play miniature golf?”

ALL TALL PEOPLE DON’T TRY TO BE TALLER:

Just because you are 5’9” and tell girls you are 5’11” doesn’t mean tall people want to do the same.  Really, if you’re asking me how tall I am, your shorter than me by a good margin.  It doesn’t matter if its 4 inches or 14 inches, get over it. If I tell you I’m 6’7” tall believe it, since you asked.

TALL PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE SUPERIOR EYES OR EARS

There is no rule that says we need to move to the rear of the venue and since there is no quid pro quo, there is no obligation to reduce our viewing pleasure for those behind us. Honestly, whats in it for me?

TALL PEOPLE CAN NOT MAKE THEMSELVES SMALLER

 Many times I have been sized up by a smaller person who attempted to fit me into something too small.  “Oh, you can make yourself fit can’t you?  It’s just for a little while.” This happens a lot in rental cars, airline seats, sports venues, and other peoples homes. Just like you can’t magically grow to reach the top shelf, I can’t shrink down enough to fit in a compact car with 4 other people.

TALL PEOPLE HAVE NO FASHION SENSE

Most clothing lines accessible to those of normal income are not manufactured to meet the needs of the vertically gifted. The idea of a sale at Macys does nothing for us, since nothing will fit.  Most of our clothing is ordered online for ultra fashionable lines such as Cabelas, Sears, or Duluth.   Society refuses to believe tall people exist and forces us to dress in Old Man fashion.