Fucking #45

Forward:

In today's world we often hear people exclaim, "I give 0 Fucks about that." Truth be told I think it is a bit over used and encroaches on the strange space in our vernacular where phrases work as long as you don't think about them, like "I ain't got Nobody" or "Legit." Ours is a living language and we are all free to use it. Those of you who read my Blog know I take full advantage of that freedom, and the literary abuse likely causes Irk and Ire to those more grammatically bound than myself.  

It has been a rough year for many of us.  The political system did its thing and left winners and losers alike, tired, weary, and bored. When it came time to give my traditional Holiday office bottle, I was still hungover from election night and it definitely colored my outlook.  For me the shock of it all is more due to what I see happening in our society more than who was elected.  Perhaps the best way to look at it is the President is a symptom rather than the disease.  All that said, I tried to have some fun with this. I tried to channel a fiery sermon,  and build off of  last years "Booze Preacher" I hope it makes you smile a bit.

Warning! The balance of this page contains text with 45 occurrences of one of English’s most simple yet effective words, with an additional occurrence in the title.  Many find the word offensive, crass, and vulgar.  I, however, feel it is quite effective at conveying my thoughts just now.  If you are concerned you might be offended, please carefully remove and discard this notice without inadvertently reading the text below, and you will be spared.  Otherwise, do read on.  After all, if you’re old enough to enjoy the contents of a bottle, you should be old enough to consume the text.

Fucking #45

“Fuck!”  I said it, and I rarely do. …  “Fuck!”  

If you’re counting, that’s an official “Double Fuck” so you now have one to keep, and one to give.  Which is important because “Giving a Fuck” is what this season is all about, and I wouldn’t want you to be without a “Fuck.” “Fuckless” doesn’t sound like a place you would want to be.

Of course, gifting and receiving a “Fuck” is distinctly different than getting “Fucked,” which has its own pleasures and pitfalls.  Then there is “Fucking.” Depending on who or what is involved, “Fucking” can be both extremely distasteful and complicated or a wonderful Saturday night. 

We can “Fuck Off,” but we don’t “Fuck On.”  We all know “Fuckers” who “Fuck You” but I have yet to meet a “Fuckee” who “Fucks Themselves.”

The nuance of “Fuck” is crucial and can’t be overstated.

With “Fuck’s” blatant subtlety, nuanced crudeness, and unfinished refinement, navigating “Fuck” is a challenge to say the least. We (say) “Fuck” because we can, because it’s fun, because it’s simple…..mostly we (say) “Fuck” because it effectively conveys our complex needs and emotions. “Fuck;” one word, four letters, one syllable.  Satisfying in its simplicity, gratifying in its effect, endless derivations of a verbal action… “Fuck.”

You might ask why I chose to belabor “Fuck” this holiday season, and so you don’t lose your shit worrying about “Fuck,” allow me to elaborate.

2016, a year that started with great promise, has ended far short of its potential. We have been infected by a new national pestilence, a disease of the social fabric, a “Fuck.”  A force so shockingly powerful it rivals the “Fucking” magnificence of “Fuck.” And I’m afraid. 

I fear the strength and the unknown lasting impacts of the infection.  After all, there are few things more powerful than a “Great Fuck” and those things all, demand due regard and consideration.

Since we are co-workers, giving you a “Fuck” more than I have already would be inappropriate.  So I present you this bottle of Polish Vodka, medicinally, to help ease your “Fucking” pain.

I have expounded at length about the proper usage of vodka.  Vodka is medicine of the mind and is best consumed quickly, cold, and in times of “Fuck.”  

Roughly translated in Russian, vodka means “little water” and water cures many things.  Vodka will too.  Vodka has helped countless others “Give a Fuck,” “Loose a Fuck,” and “Get Fucked.” Vodka allows you to quickly get “Fucked Up” so you no longer “Give a Fuck” about the “Fucked Up Shit” the “Fucking Fuck Fucked” and  I feel better already.

“Fuck Yeah!”

I find this vodka smooth and without the pretense of rap videos or ridiculous gimmicks.  The bottle is square and will fit nicely in the far corner of your freezer or medicine cabinet. Shots should be poured so cold they smoke, and chased with a slice of pickle. If you need directions on how to mix this vodka, the year has been “Worse than Fuck” for you and I’m afraid there is little more I can do.  

This booze is ok to drink alone, but not ok to drink while listening to county music which is, after all, what Budweiser is for.  “Fuck” Budweiser. It is part of the cause and can’t be the solution.

I hope that your year outside of our now-shared affliction was good.  I know we will move into the New Year with a poor global prognosis tempered by an outstanding local outlook.  It’s those we see every day that are worth “Giving a Fuck” about and I wish you the best.