Booze Preacher

Booze Preacher


It seems I have a new booze habit. I have found that rather than simply enjoying the efforts of countless distillers, I have begun to preach a bit on the merits of certain bottles of booze, at certain times, mixed if necessary with certain things.  More over, and to no ones greater shock than my own, folks have started paying attention and asking my opinion on such important matters.  This year I faced a challenge in selecting my holiday gift bottle ( a particular rectangular bottled Bourbon, over 80 proof), and chose to justify the gift by wrapping it carefully in office printer paper.  On the paper, was the following, I hope you enjoy it.

Gents,

2015 is largely behind us, and with its passing we have time for a small repose and perhaps a fine dram of smooth liquor. 

A drink which ignites warmth in your heart and envigors the sole like the slow touch of your woman’s whispered breath.  A drink to be indulged, with due regard and composure. Slow sips at once stir the creative thought, and then quickly repress it, to the very depths of our mind; allowing the florid fleeting visions long repressed by the daily grind to waft lazily through consciousness, chasing the vapors released by the glass in your hand.  A dram of such fine quality truly merits the title “Spirit” and should you find one worthy, may indeed become your deity of choice. 

This bottle, is not the bottled deity you are looking for. 

There are times in this life where you need the lights to go out, the pain to dim, and the temporary effervesces of the drunken high to command your mind. Quickly consumed with little regard for body or mind, these drinks become the medication required to continue your trajectory of the moment….these fluids become the focus of marketing campaigns, rap videos, and jello shots.

This bottle is not vodka, chardonnay, 151, or anything flavored.  It does not fit in a shot glass.

As we move through our holiday season, we often find ourselves awash in house guests or perhaps a guest at our wife’s second cousin Ida’s holiday ugly sweater party.  Events where one needs to maintain a certain composure, but one should also dull the mental knife, for fear damaging the gentile fabric of family life.  These are the situations where it is necessary to drink socially; a drink that works hard but is easy to carry, a drink that looks good if given as a gift, but also mixes just well enough into egg nog that you can taste the nog a bit, while feeling the warming relaxing notes of the alcohol. A drink that will allow you to slowly climb out of your daily composure, but will require determination to slip the lifejacket of common sense.

This is that bottle

Re-gifted, the bottle will not make you look cheap.  Opened and mixed with ice it will get you nicely through the ugly sweater party.  Add some Coke to the ice and you will not be disappointed.  The booze is smooth enough to sip but many find the high proofage a bit harsh, which is useful if you don’t want your guests to linger.  You can add the bottle to the egg nog bowl and it will at once repulse the kids and intrigue the adults. You can keep the bottle in your cabinet for the rare visits from your rich uncle and he will not think poorly of you, or you could mix it nicely with Ginger Beer for a hot summer day. 

This bottle gentlemen, is the Swiss army knife of liquor. Please use as needed.

I hope you find happiness in the oncoming year and relaxation in the days ahead. May we find continued success as a team, while chasing our own dreams of the future.

Best wishes